Christmas after the death of a loved one
If you’ve lost your a partner, parent, silbling or a close friend, the build-up to Christmas can be incredibly difficult and sad. The first Christmas without a loved one might even be something you are dreading, as it can bring back memories of the past. We’ve gathered some coping strategies from five of our Marie Curie experts that may help you navigate Christmas without your loved one.
Do things differently this year
If the idea of doing what you always did is too painful, then think outside the box and do something different. If this is your first Christmas without a loved one then staying at home might feel too difficult. You might want to go away for a few days, or stay with a friend or family member.
Allow yourself to grieve
Sometimes the anticipation of certain times of year can be worse than the actual days themselves. Perhaps the most important thing is to simply recognise that the upcoming days or weeks might be hard.
It’s OK if you don’t want to go out
You might not feel up to socialising and that’s ok. Sometimes just having a nice bunch of flowers or a photo to look at, in the comfort of your home, and a still moment of reflection can help you through the day.
Gardens can be a healing space
Gardens can be a wonderful, quiet space to reflect on your loss. Some people like to plant flowers and it also means you can return a year later to see it has grown, which can provide some comfort.
He would put up lights everywhere, the conservatory would be full of lights, sometimes in the trees. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that myself. It doesn’t matter, I’ve had it all.
Tell others how you wish to spend your time
Do you want to continue traditions, begin new ones or not celebrate it at all? Choose what you want to do and don’t feel guilty if what you decide on may not feel like it’s the ‘right’ thing to do.
Be kind to yourself
Grief can be exhausting. Look after yourself practically, physically and emotionally. If sleeping has become difficult, have a guilt-free afternoon nap. Don’t worry if this happens – you aren’t at your sparkling best so be gentle with yourself.
Freda talks about her first Christmas without her husband, David, in our blog on special Christmas memories.
Reach out for support if you think you need it
Some people might feel awkward about offering their help, especially if they don’t know how to broach the subject. So if you want some company or support on Christmas, make the effort to ask for it.
Involve children in decisions on how they want to spend their time
Ask them how they feel about Christmas, and let them know that they can share any thoughts and feelings with you about the person who has died. They may be worried about upsetting you. It’s important that they always feel included, and they may even come up with some great ideas on what to do.
It can also be helpful to have a word with the child’s school to see if Christmas will be celebrated in some way.
You can make sure a child the opportunity to say if they would like to be involved.
Have some quiet time to reflect on the good times you’ve shared
What did you enjoy doing together before your loved one died? You may find some comfort doing the same things you used to do together at this time of the year, such as sharing a favourite drink or visiting a special place.
Don’t feel guilty if you have moments of enjoyment
Allow yourself to enjoy brief moments of respite if they happen and don’t feel bad when they do.
Talk about your favourite memories
Take the chance to talk about your loved one. You could light a candle by a photograph or release a balloon in memory.
Our experts
Brigette Flye, Support Line Team Leader, Caring Services, Marie Curie
Sheila Healey, former Social Worker at the Marie Curie Hospice, Liverpool
Jo Moore, Social Worker at the Marie Curie Hospice, Cardiff and the Vale
Katy Francis, Chaplain at the Marie Curie Hospice, Newcastle
We're here if you need to chat. You can call the Marie Curie Support Line for free on 0800 090 2309.
