Burnt out by home-schooling? Here’s how to keep going until September (and beyond)

Since I’ve been homeschooling my two daughters, aged nine and seven, there have been many low points.

But none beat my friend’s recent experience: while on an important video call, where she just about to close a huge deal, her 3-year-old appeared cuddling the family hamster who had died the previous day and had been hidden away, awaiting burial in the back garden.  

“Look Mummy, I think Sprinkles is still alive!” said her daughter (she wasn’t). Without missing a beat, my friend gently wrestled the dead hamster out of her daughter’s hand while continuing with the call, holding poor Sprinkles out of sight from her bosses and fielding homework questions from her 8-year-old.

Parents have now been homeschooling for twelve long weeks. On 1st June, some UK schools started welcoming back children in reception and years one and six, but many schools are only offering part-time, week on/week off places, or pushing back the opening to now we don’t know when.

So for many parents, their children probably won’t be going back to classrooms until September at the earliest. And they’re starting to burnout.

“It’s like parents, especially working ones, are half way through a marathon and they’re hitting the wall,” says Dr Elizabeth Kilbey, a consultant clinical psychologist who appeared on the Channel 4 documentary The Secret Life of 4 and 5 Year Olds.

“They’re exhausted, the early adrenaline has worn off, and with twelve tiring weeks under their belts, they have roughly another twelve to go. Parents will also have the added challenge of even less help from teachers, in terms of online lessons, because they’ll be focusing on the year groups who have gone back. And they’re burning out.”

So, how can we overcome it?

Be realistic about the ‘school day’

“I speak to parents who are worried their children aren’t at the kitchen table, ready to go, by 9am,” says Andrea Chatten, an emotional and behavioural psychologist and founder of Unravel.

“But parents, who may also be working and caring for other siblings, shouldn’t try to recreate a school environment at home. There’s no need for children to work between 9am and 3pm.”

Instead, Chatten recommends families work out their own schedule based loosely around their body clocks. “The timings of the school day don’t necessarily work with a child’s body clock, especially older ones and teenagers. So soften the rigid edges of what you think a ‘school day’ looks like.”

Take plenty of breaks

Cathryn*, a year 6 teacher and mother of three, tells me: “A year 5 child can focus fully for 30 minutes before they need a break. This rises to about 45 minutes for a year 6. So don’t expect children to sit and work for two hours straight.

"At school, we factor in regular movement breaks and brain breaks. It’s the same for working adults, who usually take natural brain and movement breaks in the form of doing a tea run or having coffee with a colleague.” So break often and regularly.

And have a cut off point, says Jillian Lavender, founder of the London Meditation Centre and mother to a 7-year-old: “It’s tempting to try to be all things to all people, and homeschool during the day and work at night. But this will quickly lead to burnout,” says Lavender, who suggests cutting your day into school and work chunks instead.

Accept this isn’t ideal for kids either

As hard as homeschooling is for parents, it isn’t ideal for children either. “Home isn’t where most children want to learn,” says Chatten, but rather a place where they’ve felt relaxed and safe.

“Suddenly it’s been invaded by work and timetables. Twelve weeks in, many children will have lost motivation to continue working at home and parents will be suffering from ‘motivation fatigue’, which is where you feel exhausted trying to be someone who constantly cheers them on. It’s fine to drop that act and express to them how tiring you’re finding this too.”

“June is always the toughest time of the year academically to inspire and motivate kids,” says Cathryn. “It’s sunny, they’re checking out. And they’re not even getting the fun stuff, like summer trips or end of year discos.”

“Whenever their behaviour starts to fray instead of yelling, try to have empathy,” says Lavender. “Ask yourself, what are they feeling? Are they missing their friends, or do they need a day off? Having empathy will also help you feel calmer.”

Look after yourself

My friend Kate, who has two sons aged 8 and 10, says this: “My husband and I have always been a couple where fitness has a huge impact on our mental health, so we encourage each other to exercise outdoors every day, which also provides alone time and a chance to recharge our batteries.”

Jillian Lavender says wrung out working parents, who are “currently juggling the role of teacher, family chef, comforter and employee”, should get “air and hydration” every day. “I recently had a blood test, in preparation for when I’ll be seeing clients again, and the woman who did it said nearly every person she’s tested recently is dehydrated, which causes fatigue. Pre-lockdown, you were probably drinking more water. Parents tend to feed and water everybody else in the household before themselves, so drink a large glass of water when you’ve finished reading this and you’ll feel less burnt out.”

Hire a tutor

I did this for my youngest in week four of lockdown and it’s worth every penny, because for one hour a week she’s getting the undivided attention of a woman qualified to teach, rather than a half distracted one who isn’t. It also gives me an hour to crack on with my work (provided my 9-year-old doesn’t need me).

The use of private tutors - who usually deliver lessons on Zoom or Skype - has boomed since lockdown started. Tuition firm The Profs, which tutors schoolchildren and university students, found their user numbers rose from 5,000 to 32,000 in the first two weeks of school closures. Or try Tutorful, an Airbnb-style website that matches schoolchildren with tutors and has seen a 100 per cent increase in online tutoring since lockdown began.

Share the load

According to a new study from The Institute for Fiscal Studies (IFS) and University College London that interviewed 3,500 families, mothers are doing more chores and homeschooling in lockdown than fathers. The study also found that mothers could work interrupted by children for an hour, while fathers managed three hours.

My advice? Swap work stations occasionally. Most fathers I know work in garden offices or studies, while the mothers work from kitchen tables, meaning children gravitate to them.

Secondly, get grandparents involved if you can. Academics have recently said schoolchildren should call their grandparents for history lessons to help with schooling and combat loneliness. Dr Sam Willis and Professor James Daybell from the University of Plymouth have set over the phone projects as part of a series of homeschooling podcasts called Histories of the Unexpected.

Lower your standards

Andrea Chatten recommends relaxing your screen time rules (if you haven’t already). “My children are 16 and 18, and if going on screens means I can have time to myself or finish some work, then that’s OK. Our children are under immense pressure: at school they can sit at the back of the classroom and let their mind wander. During homeschooling, the spotlight is on them. Or at least, it feels like it is.”

“Parents aren’t teachers, and nobody is expecting them to be,” says Dr Elizabeth Kilbey. “So be realistic about what you can all achieve, day-to-day, without burning out entirely.”

Read more: Inside the army of private tutors keeping wealthy kids' education on track this summer